From the Bottom of the Bucket

Life.......Interrupted.....

"Winter is coming".......The Game of Thrones

As I sit here writing this blog, the first day of spring is less than twenty four hours old.  Yet we are housebound because of a snow storm, the worst one in years.

    It was on this day that the joy I felt  from the  successful resolution of my medical circumstances (which I have talked about over the past several months) disappeared with the single phone call that I have talked about over the years. The one that changes your life instantly and permanently.  A cold, frozen jolt to the springtime of my retirement, just like the scene in our Japanese garden.  I know there are bloomed daffodils buried somewhere under that snow, but it's awful hard to see them today.

It turns out, that the lump in my right leg is a metastatic melanoma in my lymph node. Back to the hospital - more tests !  The good news is that it appears at this time that , for now, the cancer is limited to the tumor on my right thigh and my medical team is going to try immunotherapy to dissolve the tumor.  This is a new form of treatment that, if successful, will help avoid surgery 

I must admit I am still in shock, but I did pick up a book The Hidden Journey:Melanoma Up Close and Personal by Christine Lister to try to begin to make some sense of this abrupt turn in my life.  It is a journal she kept while her and her husband battled with the cancer.  I just read the first chapter.  My favorite quote so far?

" Cancer is confronting. It strikes at the heart and mind as much as the body. Life approximates a seesaw swinging wildly from one dichotomy to the other and  back again. The natural rhythm of living is shattered. So too is your sense of safety and control over your life."

I could not describe better how I am feeling right now.  Several posts ago, I discussed personal character and integrity (Walking the Talk), once again, in a big way, I come face to face with the principles that I have  promoted and my ability to adhere to them in the face of the most challenging of circumstances.  Just last week, I was talking about realigning my future Realms and Activities.  Now I find myself, once again, being tasked with fighting through the fog of emotion and practicing what I have preached, in real time, not just theory.  This is, of course , what I have been promoting all along, but the real experience calls even the most sacred of principles to be reaffirmed.  It is tough.

 I will verify that two things held fast and true. One, having my planning up to date was a tremendous relief.  I know. no matter what, my loved ones are provided for in the best possible way, and  I don't have to spend precious Vigor "getting my affairs in order ".  Second, having a belief structure to frame my experience gave me a goal to shoot for in terms of struggling though the range of emotions  that descend upon you when such life events occur.  I was and am ready to die, having lived in the bucket most of my life. I will admit experiencing a sense of sadness when I thought about the "little" things in life and how much joy they brought to me, how I would miss them.  Surprisingly,  many of the them were the ones I take for  granted.  The cup of coffee in the morning, while staring at the birds in our garden, my walks in the woods, planning an adventure with my wife.  One of the positive benefits of this event is I will work even more on savoring these things. Can you pick out the things you savor in your life and spend more energy on them now?

Finally, once again I have realized how critical having a support net of caring friends really is.  It's very lonely on the edge of life and without the encouragement of family and compassionate friends, the initial wave of despair can get a firm grip on your outlook, which only serves to make things worse.  If you are not investing authentic effort in building this resource, you are making a terrible misjudgment.

I will share more as this situation unfolds, but for now,

Until Tomorrow, Stay Fulfilled....

Bob